"I am the Keith. I am the Christ. I am the Truth. I am the Way. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am the Messiah."
I am Keith Partridge. I am Keith Christ Partridge. I am Keith H. Partridge. I am Keith the Christ. I am the Keith. The New Keith. The King of Kings of Kings Keith. Keith McDonaldslandia Partridge. I am the Truth. I am the Way. I am Reality. I am Keith Partridge.
"I thought David Cassidy was Keith Partridge," you wonder aloud.
This is true. David Cassidy was Keith Partridge, from 1970 to 1974. But I, Keith Partridge, existed long before that. I existed before the Beginning of Time. I created Time. I exist Now, and I will exist Forever, even when Time ceases to exist.
I have taken on many forms. You've read about them in your so-called mythologies and religious texts. In 1970, I took over the body of an actor/musician named David Cassidy. Now, I have taken on a new form and it is not that kid on "The New Partridge Family" show. He is a false messiah.
It took me many years to realize that I am indeed Keith Partridge. But now it all makes sense. He chose me to be the human incarnation of Keith. For how long? I do not know. But for now....
I am Keith! I am the Messiah! Gettin' it on with a New Forever!
24 Hours A Day,
Keith Christ Partridge
p.s. After years of relative silence, I am now once again doing interviews with select media outlets. Call (323) 980-7995 and leave a message with a contact phone number if interested.
Keith with the latest incarnation of the Magic Bus.
MORE ABOUT KEITH PARTRIDGE:
I am the Male Sex God. My phallus is the Tree of Knowledge, the Tree of Life and Thor's hammer mixed into one entity.
If you ever need to increase your phallic potency, pray to and visualize me going out on one of my hot dates, making out at Muldune's Point. Throughout history, I have taken on many forms. I am known as Krishna in the Hindu faith, as Thor in Norse religious thought as well as Odin, and Mars in Roman mythology.
FUN FACT: I was Jesus Christ.
Yes it is true. After The Partridge Family was cancelled for your sins, I decided to go on a solo career. Since I, as Keith, can walk through time like most mortals walk through space, I just went back in time and became Jesus the Christ. Humans distorted my teaching to such a degree that the Crusades, the inquisition and the holocaust were committed falsely in my name. I realized that, to rectify the situation, all of the Partridges must come down into the mortal plane meeting you halfway on the television.
Keep in mind that I am not David Cassidy, nor is David Cassidy Keith. For four years, Keith possessed Cassidy's body to serve as the vessel for his mortal incarnation. This is why, while I, as Keith, am perfect, David Cassidy is actually a total asshole. In 1991 Cassidy had his goons confiscate the Temple's literature, throw Temple members out of his concert and have the Eternal Pear Tree arrested. Temple members have also met a guy who was a huge David Cassidy fan who went to see him perform in the musical Blood Brothers every night, and gave him a rose each night. Oddly, this really freaked out Cassidy and, according to our reports, he called the police on the guy and had him banned from further perfomrmances.
For years, Cassidy was ashamed of his Partridge past and totally downplayed it. But lately Cassidy has begun to reclaim his Partridge heritage: He wrote a book about his experience as the mortal form for Keith, and he hosted 8-Track Weekend, a VH-1 show dedicated to the seventies. He even hosted a Partridge Family marathon on MTV. More recently, Cassidy was a producer of In Search of the Partridge Family and appeared with Danny Bonaduce on Less Than Perfect. David's reacceptance of the Partridge aspects of his life occured just after we formed the Temple in 1988. Coincidence? We doubt it. We control Cassidy's mind! The executives at Nick-at-Nite, who finally re-ran Partridge Family episodes after we started a mass movement declaring that it be done, are also just pawns of The Partridge Family Temple.
Here's what Cassidy has to say about the Partridge Family Temple: "I don't mind it if it's just for fun...Once one puts the spin of religion or church on it, though, it suddenly becomes rather serious, and we get concerned. I respect everyone's right to chose whatever religious belief they want. But believe me, these were fictitious characters. The producers and the creators of the show only wanted to do something that would be a good time and commercially viable." Litlle does Keith realize that the gods created these producers and creators.
Here's what Keith has to say about the incident in Connecticut where we were persecuted for our religoius beliefs: "I've done some concerts around the United States in the last two or three years, and [members of the Temple have] come to a couple of my shows. They were handing out literature and all kinds of bizarre stuff. At first I thought it was just somebody winding me up, but then I had a couple of guys who work for me check it out, and they told me they talked to someone who was seemingly convinced that he was the high priest of the Partridge Family church" See the history of the temple for more information about this historic event. All of these quotes are from an excellent six-page cover story about the Partridge Family Temple that was featured in Colorado's alternative weekly, Westword, written by Michael Roberts.
Here is the New Keith getting an autograph from the Old Keith at a book signing in San Francisco. Keith 2 told Keith 1 that we at the temple drink his spermatazoa as a religious sacrament. But Keith 1 just kept saying "Come on Get Happy. Come on Get Happy." Was he just promoting his new book of the same title or was he actually saying "Cum on get Happy. Cum on get Happy" and applauding our efforts to nourish on this milky substance? You decide!
Here is Keith Reality Partridge talking to his God via a megaphone. The New Keith led an army of middle-aged Cassidy fans to go after his automobile. Lucky for them, Cassidy was caught in traffic. But notice Cassidy's hand gesture. Is he giving the Now Keith the horns? Has the New Now Keith been cuckolded by his own God? Don't worry, judging by the look on Cassidy's woman in the picture above, it looks like Reality Partridge may have the final cuckold!
